Beauty, is an attitude, a way you carry yourself. When someone is being 100% unapologetically themselves, that to me, is so beautiful. I have always admired that kind of confidence because it was something I desperately lacked.
Up until recent years, like 2021-ish, I had always considered myself an insecure person. I'm still in imposter syndrome recovery. Not everyone who knows, or has met me, might see it, but I have gotten really good at putting on a smile and letting everyone believe I was "fine".
Vulnerability Isn't My Strong Suit
I recently got People's 2023 Beautiful Issue and I was flipping through the pages gawking over all these beautiful famous women who I've always been so inspired by, and I paused. A handful of the celebrities being featured had written their younger selves a love letter, some words of encouragement with what they know now. I had to laugh because I literally had this same idea, to write a letter to younger me, marinating in my blog drafts. I took it as confirmation that I needed to do it too. If they can be vulnerable, I'm going to try to be too!
Soooo, what exactly did I want to say to my younger self?
Don't pick at your skin. Eat healthier. Don't cry over stupid assholes. Don't drink so much!! Yes, these are lessons I wish I could have warned my younger self of. It might've saved me from having to learn all of them the hard way! What younger me really needed though was to "stop caring what other people think". If I had a dollar for every time I heard that one!
I've Always Been Different
My entire life I've known I was different from everyone else. Not just physically, but emotionally too. No one I knew could relate to the things I had experienced, understood what I was feeling, or why. They still can't. My younger self didn't know how to process that. Hell, my adult self is still learning to! Back then, I didn't see vulnerability as a strength, and instead saw what made me different as something to be ashamed of. Back then being different felt like I had a target on my back, when all I wanted was to fit in, to feel "normal". If you're shaking your head like what is this girl talking about?? You might need to start here and then come back.
"Being Normal Is Boring" - Marilyn Monroe
Blending in was never really an option for me. My leg has always made me stand out in some way, which I used to try very hard to avoid. When asked how I was feeling I would just respond with "oh, I'm good!", and divert the conversation to avoid admitting how much pain I was really in, thinking 'they can't relate, so why bother?" I would wear jeans in 95 degree heat in the summer, just to avoid people staring or talking about my leg. Ridiculous right?! How dare I allow someone else to dictate my feelings like that!
I figured I was doing everyone a courtesy by covering up the parts of me that might make them uncomfortable. Tricking myself into thinking this would somehow help make me feel more comfortable. Joke was on me.
"Comparison Is The Thief Of Joy" - Technically Teddy Roosevelt, but I always think of Tinx
I've done, and said, a lot of things over the years that weren't really true to who I am or what I wanted, but instead were projected from a place of fear and insecurity. I compared myself to others, de-valued myself, and my talents, and would even gaslight myself into questioning my own authenticity. All because I had convinced myself somewhere along the way that because of my differences, no one would truly understand or accept me unless I acted, or looked, a certain way. So, because of my natural ability to adapt to my surroundings, I did so in any way I could. Doing this just spread more insecurity into everything I did. I ended up being a certain way around some, and another way around others. I stopped doing or talking about some of the things I really liked, whatever I had to do to protect myself. It's not that any of these parts of me were fake, I was just selective in who got to see which version.
I continued to put this kind of guard up over the years, but it wasn't solid enough to ricochet blunt remarks like "oh my God what happened to you? What's wrong? You poor thing." I hate that last one the most. Some even went as far as telling me my leg was gross, or that it made them "hurt" to look at.
I never really know how to respond. Sometimes all I can do is stare, blankly, wondering where they purchased such high quantities of audacity. And sometimes I would just lie, because it was easier than the truth. I would say something outrageous like "oh, shark attack", anything alarming that might shut them the fuck up or make them uncomfortable. I resented feeling like I had to validate why I am the way I am. Even now, I still get dirty looks when people see me parking in a handicap spot. My princess parking as I like to call it! They assume I'm just some entitled millennial using my grandparents tag; unless I'm wearing shorts, then they can see for themselves. Stare all ya want, I earned those spots fair and square!
Honestly, why the fuck are some people just so triggered by something I literally have zero control over? I'll never understand it.
But, You're So -insert adjective here-
Countless family, friends, and even complete strangers have always told me how fill in the compliment here I am, and I appreciated them, but I always felt a disconnect. I couldn't fully absorb the value of the compliment because I didn't truly believe what they were saying. I was too busy feeding myself bullshit like "ok, my face might be beautiful, but the rest of my body? Nope! People don't like you that much, they're just saying things to be nice, it's just because they already know me, they're obligated to, they feel bad!" I didn't, couldn't, just take what they were saying at face value and trust they meant it. Instead it was like "thanks, but...". looking for a way to contradict. I saw what I was doing. I was allowing my "disability" to define me. I fucking hate that word btw, always have.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for all the love I do receive, and am blessed in so many other ways! I couldn't always see that though, until I accepted and validated myself, no amount of flattery or words of encouragement were going to sink in. I knew I needed to take the time to really be alone, to face some hard truths, and really shift my perspective so that I could appreciate everything I've been through, rather than chastise myself for everything I couldn't control. Gratitude is a game changer lemme tell ya. Now, instead of "omg I hate how my leg looks, I wish my life were different", it's "I'm one tough bitch and I am grateful to have my leg, and everything it's allowed me to do". I can finally see the beauty in it.
When You Think Beauty, What Do You Think?
Back in 2015-ish I was sitting in my aunts family room surrounded by my magazine cutouts watching Fashion Police and Chelsea Lately before bed. Fashion police always inspired a theme for a collage in some way, and I've ALWAYS admired Chelsea Handler's "this is me take it or leave it" attitude!
I found a quote, "When you think beauty...what do you think?" and ended up building the rest of the collage around that one question.
What Is Beauty To Me?
Beauty is subjective, but to me, it is most certainly an attitude; an essence you carry. It's not your face, or your body, or an immaculately decorated house, or even your job; as society has conditioned us to believe. Beauty is in the soul. It's the kindness you extend to yourself, and others.
I have always felt my soul was beautiful, it just took me a while to include the rest of me. Now I love it all. Every (sometimes ridiculous) idea, every mood, every blood clot, every scar, every vein, ever single thing others might see as a flaw, I now see as beautiful. My resilience has become my essence.
So, knowing what I do now, there's a few things I would like to say to my younger self.
Dear Kelly,
I'm so sorry that the body you were born into ever made you feel "less than", like you had to dim your light and second guess your joyful, creative spirit to appease others more than yourself. No one else's feelings are above your own, no one else gets to dictate your emotions.
Yes, the opinions of others are loud, and the negative voices in your head can be even louder, but you must learn to quiet them. We only get one body, so please, love yours. It's going to get you through some extremely tough times, you owe it to yourself to feel good in your own skin, and confident in your decisions, especially the creative ones! Please never stop exploring your creativity! Write, paint, learn, feed every single curiosity you have and illuminate it with the same enthusiasm we had when we were 4.
You have already, and will continue, to go through unavoidable pain. Such is life. But everything else that's out of your control? Just let it go. Nothing that means sacrificing who you are, or what you truly want, is worth clinging to. Believe in your magic and instead of rejecting it, embrace the uncertainty of it. It is safe to be misunderstood, to be yourself. Allow your uniqueness to fuel you because trust me, you're so much stronger, and more capable, than you even know!
I got you girl, you're going to come to appreciate the journey I promise. Honestly, our 30's are where it's at, we love it here! Oh, and one more thing. Breathe.
Love,
Kel
Other vision boards for inspiration here.
“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
Xx
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